Being in Chronic Pain and 

Life without Pain Medication 

or

Why I always look so pissed off lately

It makes you draw further and further within 
Hoping to disappear in soft flickering candle light 
The purr of electric fans and the TV on just for the murmurs 
If everyday could be 
Like this 
To the point of 
someone is knocking, again
No 
No I am not home
I tell them
which totally confuses a tweeker
from next door
he wanders away muttering 
counting his fingers again
off to play hours
of window ntendo (like solitary for tweekers)
he comes back
realizing
that I am home
and I tell him
No I’m not going anywhere 
with you
Go away 
little ghost boy
and
No
I don't want your drugs or 
your dick 
just
Leave me alone
Alone 

I need to suffer in silence
by myself
A doctor visit is out of the question
no money or insurance
A written paper waits for me, 
patiently it sits there
in his office pushed aside 
by now
stacked up in a corner
i could read this script
every name tells a similar story
a pharmaceutical 
deck of  tarot cards
always 
predicting a happy
near future
but not today.

Today

Loud noises are not allowed
No bright lights
No anger
Everything boring moving slow
And
No
I’m not home
Go away
Please
I open my door
peeping at the crack
\
No i say one more time
and shut out everything
and I m a Shut in, again

Quiet static fills the air like happy voices
I do not want people around me
I don’t trust
I don’t like
and
don't want street drugs 

I tell them this
over and over
but they don't listen
they have rocks in their heads
and their hands

I am too old for this

I think about a cabin
Somewhere away from
Everybody
I could be a hermit
if I had a  little weed patch

right now

Complicated people fill my day 
everyday
all night
they
Litter my drive
my thoughts
my walk
I hate apartments/duplexes
this is called 
a neighbor-Hood
for a reason
Loud angry
Arguments
fill every inch of stagnant
air out there
it's
Crack, crank, ice
 and god knows what else 
made by 8th grade drop outs
who never took chemistry
I don't want what they have
and
I don’t want to know them
Why do they want to know me?

Mel